Epic Fail

Since failure is typically an intrinsic aspect of the college experience, as well as the inevitably rough session in the Writing Center, check out Failblog.org for a little inspiration. You might get a C on a paper, but that certainly doesn’t compare with these epic fails…

http://failblog.org/

Don’t do what you’ve always done. Our days are down to one.

Suburbia’s not safe. No one is safe.

Haldor’s time has come. I can’t warn you. If you don’t know, then you already have it.

I’ve been right before
But she left.
The sinister compliments
Left right behind her
Left right in front of me
Left right in broken pieces
Laying at the base of the wall
Right below that painting—
The one with two left eyes
Staring right at you,
Right—
Where I’m left.

So my book is centered around a man named Haldor, “a god among gods, with eternal and empty blue eyes.” Haldor is the first to contract a sexually transmitted disease that improves the health of those infected. As an atypical AIDS, the disease actually reverses the effects of aging, making those lucky enough to contract it more attactive, athletic, and healthy. But don’t worry–there is a catch.

However, Haldor drives the story. He’s elusive and beautiful, gifted and famous. He’s on every TV station, in every magazine. He’s surrounded by a bevy of beautiful Icelandic blondes as he strolls down every red carpet in New York and L.A. Haldor, the brother of Apollo and the son of Athena has, of course, the intellect to match his marble physique. But it is in death that Haldor steals the fire of the gods.

I still have a lot of work to do, though, before my mental state has deteriorated to an effective level of creative insanity. On that note, I began cutting myself last night as I drank and tried to write the first page of my book. I ended up just writing poetry–the natural medium for the mentally ill. I was encouraged because the cutting came naturally to me. Fortunately, as a remnant of a previous drinking binge, I had a broken glass picture frame laying behind my desk to use for a nice, clean laceration. 

In fact, now that I’m thinking about the last couple days, I just realized that I didn’t sleep a wink. I’m well on my way…   

I have a three step plan for altering my sanity. In my research I found several common elements that seem to plague all of the mentally ill.

1. Insomnia: Throwing off your sleep habits is a great way to start. Sleep is a fundamental part of mental health. Sleep rejuvenates your cells, both those of the body and the mind. For the next several months I will attempt to sleep a maximum of two hours a night. Of course, the hope is that this will lead to severe crashes where I sleep for days at a time. This will be the hardest and most necessary of the three phases.

2. General Health: The mind is linked to the body. Therefore, I will begin trashing my body in hopes that my mind will follow suit. I’ve stocked up on junk food, soda, and movies. I’ve discontinued my workout routine and replaced it with indoor activities like eating, obsessive news viewing, and cutting.

3. Substance Abuse: Of course, most mentally ill persons suffer, at least at some point in their lives, from substance abuse. I plan on drinking four to five drinks a day and smoking two packs of cigarettes. Mixed with the caffeine intake from the soda, I should start slowing down my own metabolism and increase my depressive symptoms. I don’t want to do anything illegal, however, so my alcohol abuse will be limited to the confines and solitude of my one bedroom apartment.